{"title":"Chapter 10 — Location: Loneliness. The Best and the Worst Place to Be","description":"\u003cp\u003eComing soon.\u003c\/p\u003e","products":[{"product_id":"chapter-10-full-chapter","title":"Chapter X — Location: Loneliness. The Best and the Worst Place to Be (Full Chapter)","description":"\u003cp\u003eAll four letters of Chapter X, in one purchase — a discount over buying them one at a time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLetter 038 — Alone Again\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLetter 039 — Vision or Delusion\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLetter 040 — No Other Hero\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLetter 041 — I Can Hear Her Coming\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":58293099135307,"sku":null,"price":5.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}]},{"product_id":"letter-039","title":"Letter 039 — Vision or Delusion","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy social battery drained by Thursday, so I need you to know: at 3 p.m., I sent a message to F., deciding that I am mature enough to give the responsibility of motivating me to someone else, but myself, this time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me, the homecoming isn't going as planned.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOne of my favourite things to do is have a drink with my brother and catch up on the past few months. I love the way he looks up to my advice and how much of friends and gossip partners we are.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAlthough that look in his face was not there after three Scotches and two hours of talking only about him.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe looked at me and said that he feels like a complete failure because he hasn't achieved anything material after three years of running his business, and he is almost 30.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLet me just say how absolutely stupid I think that is.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd add that when I asked him,\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e“So you think because I am 40, I haven't bought an apartment, I am not married, and I don't have kids, I am a failure?”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe said nothing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe just continued with another topic.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThat was the highest point of heartbreak I could bear this week, and in the past, I don't know, few years.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI pretended that nothing happened and continued listening to him bragging about how people love him and how cool he is.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eStone-cold. A little bit tipsy. And heartbroken.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI said nothing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI finished my whiskey and went upstairs.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI don't remember what happened the next day, but I felt like whatever it was, I couldn't bear it anymore.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eF. said she was free, and I gave her a quick call, which ended up being more of a disaster than my brother's silence.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI don't even want to go there — to the blockage she claims I have, who I am without work, and what my purpose is.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI thought I had made that clear.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut I suppose when you're living inside a dream that only you can see in its entirety, to everyone else it looks like you aren't moving at all.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen I was a kid — well, 20, but I was really a kid — I saved for three summers to buy Alexander McQueen shoes because they made me feel something.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI didn't know why I adored his work so much.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSometimes the feeling comes way before the realisation.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eActually, almost always.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYears later, I read a quote from him:\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e“I want people to fear the women who wear my clothes.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThat made me weak at the knees and grow a pair of wings on my back at the same time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat power.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat a message.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd I don't think the fear was ever really about the clothes.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's about what a woman chooses to look like, to feel like, to become.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd maybe that's why his work stayed somewhere inside me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause I don't think I became myself because my heart was broken.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI became myself despite it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe broken heart was just one of the things life handed me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI just decided not to treat it like a weakness.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI decided to use it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo look at the thing everyone tells us is supposed to destroy us and ask what else it could become.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA weapon, maybe.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA piece of art.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA fucking fitting room.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause perhaps the broken heart isn't the end of something.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMaybe it's the place where you try on the next version of yourself.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd that's what my brand stays firm on.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI want women to see it differently.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNot because heartbreak is beautiful.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt fucking isn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNot because pain is something we should be grateful for.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt isn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut because not everything life tells us is bad has to stay bad forever.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSometimes you get to decide what it becomes.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe broken heart is just one of the most expensive invoices life sends you after happiness.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePay full price.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLeave a tip.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt was worth it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGosh, didn't I just motivate myself, even while writing that?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI think I was really born with a broken heart, and somehow I need to find a reason to break it again once in a while, just to feel alive.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHealthy?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMaybe not.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut where's the rulebook for what the “right” feeling is, and who wrote it?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAt the end of the day — at the end of a life — doesn't it matter that we were happy, even in our sadness, even in our loneliness?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYes, my clothes are in boxes at my mum's place because I have decided that I am not finished yet, and bigger things are waiting for me than paying rent and working 9 to 5.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo am I a loser because I am pursuing something nobody else can see yet?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd is that why I would rather be lonely?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNot loneliness because nobody is there —\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eloneliness because nobody can see what you can already see.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOr have I become so psychologically occupied by the thing I'm pursuing that ordinary conversation has become almost impossible to satisfy me?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":58293099299147,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}]},{"product_id":"letter-040","title":"Letter 040 — No Other Hero","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI don't think you have ever been obsessed with anything else but a man.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOr another version of a person who would come and save you, come and change your life, or give your life all the purpose you needed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI think it's because we've all been taught there is a saviour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMaybe we just grew up with movies where someone comes along, changes your life, and suddenly everything has meaning.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd somehow, I got broken so many times by all those heroes who came into my life that I see no other hero but myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt suits me, you know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI love how much I've changed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHow much of the unfinished I've completed — that I am.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNow I'm my own one obsession.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSomewhere along the way I started needing to break. It pushes me harder, further, makes me feel unbreakable every single time — and it's getting harder and harder to find anyone else strong enough to do it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now it's just me. My own decision to surrender to the illusion that this is beyond my control.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat I can't stop it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI guess we all have cravings.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSome for food.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSome for weakness.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMine turned into a symbol of progress.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy progress.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis isn't about the man anymore.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's about my own choice of how to use it, and what to turn it into.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI think I am starting to understand the quotes about allowing yourself to be weak — it is what's truly powerful.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDear me, do you think we as humans hold a passion for suffering, some deep need to be unhappy, melancholic, and overcomplicated, when we have nothing that has an actual purpose, just to feel alive?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn my perception, a human notices much more the pain than the happiness, then which one is stronger?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDo you think that maybe sometimes we are sabotaging ourselves on purpose just for the sake of having a purpose?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAll these questions have found a permanent place in my mind, and I just can't find anyone I can talk to the way I talk to myself, so is loneliness my only option, if I don't want to keep this side of me hidden?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDoes someone actually go through life by being completely honest about who he is, or do we all hide parts of ourselves — from the rest of the world, or from ourselves? Why?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":58293099331915,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}]},{"product_id":"letter-041","title":"Letter 041 — I Can Hear Her Coming","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI feel wildly tired and awake lately.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAwake because I can't sleep properly, and tired because I just don't have the energy or focus to do anything but stare at a dot.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI scroll pointlessly on IG like I am looking for something in particular, but I don't know what.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn my head, there is no clear thought, just floating.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt gets interrupted again and again until, in my mind, the paths look like a forest with 50 options to turn left or right, yet not clear ones, but old signs of the steps of someone who once walked there.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis someone is an old version of me who never got to walk that path till the end.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo now the grass has grown over it, and I don't know which one to start with.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou probably can feel it from my writing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis chapter has completely lost its purpose for loneliness.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOr maybe my complicated brain helps me understand why I am actually lonely by describing to myself something indescribable to anyone else.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBecause people say, \"I understand,\" but they hardly do.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt is like it is shameful not to be able to understand someone.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd at this point, it would be a lie because I don't even understand myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI feel like another outgrowing breaking is coming my way, where I just need to step back and allow myself to strip away everything the new version has outgrown and leave it behind.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eJust to leave my soul naked for everything but my instincts.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou know, like a big confusion before a huge awakening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMoving through the wrong paths in the forest, with all the dead ends, until you get to one that moves you to the other side.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe other side of what, I do not know.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI only know that I will never find it if I don't make space for it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnother old version of me is leaving my body.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eQuestion is, which one is coming?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":58293099364683,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}]},{"product_id":"letter-038-alone-again","title":"Letter 038 — Alone Again","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eApparently, loneliness is the worst place to be.\u003cbr\u003eThen I scroll down on IG, and a quote from a great mind strikes me with a splash of cold water: that it is indeed a membership club for the strongest, smartest, weirdest among us, and that perhaps it's a gift.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnother further scroll, and some “successful” person claims it is lonely at the top, and that when you follow your dreams, get ready to be alone, bored and... to be honest, I forgot the next one.\u003cbr\u003eBut that whole message was clear:\u003cbr\u003eAlone again.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut is it?\u003cbr\u003eAre all great minds here?\u003cbr\u003eAnd what if some of us still want a normal life?\u003cbr\u003eAren't they still winners?\u003cbr\u003eAnd where is the scale of measurement that says you need to be ridiculously rich to be successful, or life loses meaning?\u003cbr\u003eIt is all or nothing, they say.\u003cbr\u003eBut in the back of my head, I feel like the motivational talk has gone way too far.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere is still a comfortable middle ground where you can have enough, and even more than enough, and still have a pretty normal life.\u003cbr\u003eJust no one talks about it.\u003cbr\u003eBecause, in my way of seeing it, those people are probably the happiest.\u003cbr\u003eThey don't bother teaching other people how to live.\u003cbr\u003eInstead, they just do.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am back home for another month or so.\u003cbr\u003eI am always thrilled to land, and somehow, over the years, I have collected my favourite memories and locked them in a capsule that needs to repeat as soon as my high heels are on and I hand my glass to the waiter for a refill.\u003cbr\u003eYet I sit on my old place to check the temperature of my seat.\u003cbr\u003eBut the heater is broken, and it's only getting colder.\u003cbr\u003eMy wine doesn't do the only job it's supposed to, and instead of the chair being filled by someone else, no one bothers to pay attention to it, so it will shortly be recycled and out of use.\u003cbr\u003eThen the capsule always breaks, and the loneliness drops heavier than it was.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI turn around to look for another Cupid arrow to throw, but Dom has lately been completely out of the picture.\u003cbr\u003eAnd my little plan of being a bad bitch, only toying with him, actually works only in the movies.\u003cbr\u003eEvery attempt to be someone else doesn't add satisfaction.\u003cbr\u003eIt mostly just removes it.\u003cbr\u003eAnd tops up more loneliness instead of wine.\u003cbr\u003eSo that page is closed, even though there have been a few attempts from him to stay close and write a message once in a while.\u003cbr\u003eI have turned cold to them, and I think he got it.\u003cbr\u003eBut I should have been at least more mature and just told him, rather than wait for him to figure it out.\u003cbr\u003eWhat weak shit of me.\u003cbr\u003eI just hate disappointing people.\u003cbr\u003eBut silent rejection is just another way of doing so.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOnce in a while, another guy pops into my DMs, but I feel like I am extremely far away-minded from everyone.\u003cbr\u003eAnd as soon as the conversation goes in the direction of settling and normal life, I shift away immediately.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd somehow, I see a good catch of a man around town, but I think that we all crash into what we were most afraid of:\u003cbr\u003eloneliness.\u003cbr\u003eAnd now we are way too comfortable in it.\u003cbr\u003eAll the sane people.\u003cbr\u003eAll of us who just refused another arrangement.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd what is company if it deludes you?\u003cbr\u003eIs it holding any value?\u003cbr\u003eOr are we just convincing ourselves that if we are in a relationship, we aren't losers?\u003cbr\u003eWhat do the most married, unhappy people think of us?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd in this becoming, after 38 letters...\u003cbr\u003ewhat is it that I really want?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":58538032431435,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}]}],"url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/collections\/chapter-10-title-tba.oembed","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}