{"title":"Chapter 7 — Toxique, for French and for Friends","description":"\"Not everyone is toxic. Sometimes they simply no longer belong where they used to.\" Four letters that began as an investigation into toxic friendships and became something else — an investigation into her own impatience.","products":[{"product_id":"letter-026-toxic-with-a-help-of-a-friend","title":"Letter 026 — Toxic, With a Help of a Friend","description":"\u003cp\u003eToxic with the help of a friend.\u003cbr\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eI've been haunted by a dream that I can't stop trying to analyse.\u003cbr\u003eI am not picking at something just because I need the depth.\u003cbr\u003eI am picking at it because it keeps returning.\u003cbr\u003eEvery morning.\u003cbr\u003eWhen I open my eyes, even the smell is still there.\u003cbr\u003eI have lived too long to believe this is a coincidence, or that my mind isn't trying to tell me something.\u003cbr\u003eIt's the same man.\u003cbr\u003eD.\u003cbr\u003eA different scene every night.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd what drives me completely mad is that I haven't thought about him for ages.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I mean nothing.\u003cbr\u003eEven if something reminds me of him, there is no feeling file attached to it anymore.\u003cbr\u003eJust an object no longer in use.\u003cbr\u003eYet the object talks to me.\u003cbr\u003eExplains things I never asked.\u003cbr\u003eAnd out of everything remotely close to reality, the only thing that stays consistent is that somehow the conversation is still about him.\u003cbr\u003eI never cared much about the meaning of dreams.\u003cbr\u003eI sometimes fall asleep thinking about something I am missing, something I want, something I am trying to solve.\u003cbr\u003eBut he hasn't been on that list for months.\u003cbr\u003eAnd even writing this, or standing inside the dream itself, I feel nothing about him.\u003cbr\u003eNot even cravings for the great sex that was only available in the beginning.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eS.O.S. in the group chat.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I am on my way to collect two more opinions, even though the arrogance in me is convinced they won't tell me anything I haven't already thought myself.\u003cbr\u003eMessage sent.\u003cbr\u003eTwo blue checks.\u003cbr\u003eThe support group has officially been activated.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eF. is very spiritual.\u003cbr\u003eSo naturally she explains it through secret desires, loneliness, unfinished emotions, or maybe that I am still trying to deny he matters.\u003cbr\u003eThat I still bleed on his floor.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eL. immediately makes it about herself.\u003cbr\u003eOr whatever happens to be happening in her life this week.\u003cbr\u003eIn fact, her response was the one I cared the least about because she somehow manages to make every conversation circle back to her own reflection.\u003cbr\u003eI believe my connection with her only exists when F. is there.\u003cbr\u003eOtherwise it is endless conversations about men.\u003cbr\u003eMen.\u003cbr\u003eAnd more men.\u003cbr\u003eIf you asked me to tell you something interesting about her, I genuinely don't think I could.\u003cbr\u003eUnless it involved a man.\u003cbr\u003eThat is how little personality I have managed to find underneath it all.\u003cbr\u003eHow a smart woman, living in the centre of one of the biggest cities in Europe, reaches this age with nothing to talk about except the desire to be seen, desired, admired, and constantly chasing the illusion of the perfect man in whoever happens to be standing in front of her.\u003cbr\u003eAnd then the next one is even better.\u003cbr\u003eBut what is reality and what is fantasy?\u003cbr\u003eNobody can really tell.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn fact, lately even talking to her irritates me.\u003cbr\u003eI disappeared from the chat for a few days.\u003cbr\u003eMostly because of her.\u003cbr\u003eAnd if it wasn't for F., I honestly don't think I would choose to sit down and have a drink with her.\u003cbr\u003eI generally find almost everything else more entertaining.\u003cbr\u003eI sound like a bitch.\u003cbr\u003eBut do I have to lie to myself just so I don't sound like one?\u003cbr\u003eWe are who we are.\u003cbr\u003eI guess.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e...\u003cbr\u003eOh my God.\u003cbr\u003eWait a minute.\u003cbr\u003eShe is him.\u003cbr\u003eI have never thought about that before.\u003cbr\u003eWe always say: Toxic man. Toxic man. Toxic man.\u003cbr\u003eBut the pattern is exactly the same.\u003cbr\u003eThe only difference between D. and L. is that one of them at least gave me an orgasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo is it possible that my mind wasn't trying to tell me anything about D. at all?\u003cbr\u003eIs it possible that it was trying to show me a pattern?\u003cbr\u003eThat I am still inviting the same energy into my life, just in different forms?\u003cbr\u003eAnd if that's true, then maybe toxic was never only for men.\u003cbr\u003eMaybe nobody talks about toxic friendships because friendship sounds softer.\u003cbr\u003eKinder.\u003cbr\u003eLess dangerous.\u003cbr\u003eBut what if it isn't?\u003cbr\u003eWhat if the friendship version simply takes longer to recognise?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916287680843,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_8b5eb6f6-40b7-4a6c-a34d-540ab89d3834.jpg?v=1785562935"},{"product_id":"letter-027-black-the-original-classy","title":"Letter 027 — Black: 'The Original Classy'","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eI am intoxicated.\u003cbr\u003eOn memories, holidays, and goddamn ouzo — the Greek elixir for getting hyped up with dinner, music, and because I fucking want to.\u003cbr\u003eAfter two days of coming home, the bag was packed again, diving into the god's country of food, ego, and the I don't care button that automatically switches to on once you cross the border.\u003cbr\u003eBut this part is the easy one.\u003cbr\u003eComing home is like an exorcism of every previous version of me I have purposely broken to rebuild — awakening and questioning, have you really left all the pain behind, or you have nothing to remind you of it where you're at now?\u003cbr\u003eI feel some of them haven't forgiven me for what I put them through.\u003cbr\u003eThere is a slight hatred in their voice when I say I am happy.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I know them too well to pretend I don't understand why.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me, I told you before — there are no coincidences.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I stand firmly behind it.\u003cbr\u003eWhile I am here, my childhood friend just happens to start working at the nail salon where I had an appointment.\u003cbr\u003eSurprise is hardly what I felt when I saw her there.\u003cbr\u003eMostly a question — what's hiding behind that corner waiting for me to turn right?\u003cbr\u003eA quick catch-up about how we should catch up soon.\u003cbr\u003eWe always say we will catch up.\u003cbr\u003eI think it is one of those sentences people say the way you say bless you — automatic, polite, and never actually meant.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut a 7pm IG call, while I was having a cigarette with my mom, got me putting my shoes on and walking toward the church of my childhood — the local coffee shop where all the gossip was born and many hearts were hurt.\u003cbr\u003eEspecially mine.\u003cbr\u003eSecrets I remember telling to people who did not deserve to know me that well.\u003cbr\u003eAnd part of the woman haunting my body is the little girl who I was back in that coffee shop, sitting between two chairs, two judgments, and two friends.\u003cbr\u003eI arrived five minutes later.\u003cbr\u003eSat in that exact same seat.\u003cbr\u003eAnd the only thing that had changed in this lifetime of rebirths was me.\u003cbr\u003eAnd the coffee shop.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA. was complaining about exactly the same things she was complaining about ten years ago.\u003cbr\u003eSame script. New decade.\u003cbr\u003eSame blame — everyone else but herself.\u003cbr\u003eS., the diplomatic one, the one who had supposedly figured it all out, told us it is perfectly fine if this is what we want from life.\u003cbr\u003eYou got it wrong, S.\u003cbr\u003eI didn't need approval.\u003cbr\u003eI already had my own.\u003cbr\u003eWho and what you both still are is no longer interesting to me.\u003cbr\u003eI have outlived you both a hundred times over.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn my memories, you are beige.\u003cbr\u003eThe colour of constantly making myself smaller so you could understand me — and you were still failing to do so.\u003cbr\u003eI am not trying to be any less intimidating so you won't feel threatened.\u003cbr\u003eIt would be a waste of my talent.\u003cbr\u003eI am the original black — classy.\u003cbr\u003eNon-negotiable depth, mystery, and power.\u003cbr\u003eI am the purest white — full of individuality, transparency, and mental sophistication.\u003cbr\u003eAnd believe it or not, no one is capable of questioning that.\u003cbr\u003eYou can dim someone else.\u003cbr\u003eI am no longer available for this role.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou know those people who always tell you it is okay to be exactly as you are?\u003cbr\u003eThey always sound to me like they are reaching for wisdom their own life never gave them the depth to hold.\u003cbr\u003eA sentence borrowed from somewhere they never actually visited.\u003cbr\u003eWe tend to reject everything we do not understand.\u003cbr\u003eAnd as my friend V. always says: \"Tanya, you are Pandora's box. Nobody understands you, so people will either try to put you down or distance themselves. Don't blame them. That's all they're capable of. It has nothing to do with you.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eLook me in the eyes and tell me honestly — why did you go?\u003cbr\u003eWhy did you come back home frustrated, carrying someone else's stagnation like it was suddenly your weight to hold?\u003cbr\u003eYou already knew all this.\u003cbr\u003eThe girl they always called the broken one.\u003cbr\u003eShe isn't in that coffee shop anymore.\u003cbr\u003eShe never was.\u003cbr\u003eThey were just still looking for her.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwenty years later, the woman I sat across from still wasn't understood.\u003cbr\u003eStill had no approval.\u003cbr\u003eStill looked at me like I was the one who needed saving.\u003cbr\u003eDear me — they didn't grow.\u003cbr\u003eThey just got older.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I finally stopped waiting for an apology from people who don't even know what they did.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916287910219,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_e8e1affa-4227-494c-8bd8-e02dd8c1f7db.jpg?v=1785562940"},{"product_id":"letter-028-none-written-rules","title":"Letter 028 — None Written Rules","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eOnce upon a time — because all the best and worst things start this way — there was a kingdom. Not the kind with dragons and dark forests, though we'll get to those. This one had something far more dangerous. Women.\u003cbr\u003eThe kingdom had a rule. Unwritten, naturally. The best rules always are — that way nobody has to admit they agreed to them.\u003cbr\u003eThe rule was this: Every girl born into the kingdom would be handed, at birth, along with her name and her first breath, a crown. Not to wear. To chase.\u003cbr\u003eThe crown belonged to the prince. The prince belonged to the story. And the story belonged to everyone — which is to say, to no one — which is to say, to the kingdom itself.\u003cbr\u003eAnd so the girls grew up understanding, without ever being told directly, that the point of the whole thing was to be chosen. To be seen. To be selected. To be made real by someone else's wanting.\u003cbr\u003eAnd aren't we good at those little things? Bright smiles for breakfast, effortless casual for lunch, and intriguingly vain for dinner. Every 24 hours, by the clock. Tick tock. Tick tock. We brush each other's hair, we take walks in the gardens, giggle under a cotton umbrella, hiding from the sun. All girls' stuff. Great — until. Well. Until the prince gets there and fucks it all up.\u003cbr\u003eYou see, not every story has a happy ending. And not every princess gives a fuck about the prince. Some were waiting for his horse.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHere is the part the fairy tale never tells you. Here is the part I had to figure out by being on both sides of it. The women who couldn't support each other weren't cruel by nature. They were frightened by design.\u003cbr\u003eThe Kingdom had one final rule: If you are not chosen, you are rejected. The Kingdom called it rivalry. I think it was simply mathematics taught to frightened little girls.\u003cbr\u003eA girl raised to believe her worth lives in being chosen will, inevitably, see every other woman as competition for the choosing. Not because she wants to. Because the kingdom taught her that the crown is singular. That there is only one prince. That the throne only fits one.\u003cbr\u003eShe is not a villain. She is terrified. Because what if there is no prince for her? What if him choosing her friend ruins her entire life?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd worse — what if the prince chooses one of those women who looked at the crown, looked at the prince, looked at the throne, and said: \"No, thank you. I'll take the horse.\"\u003cbr\u003eNot because they didn't want love. They wanted to ride. To run with the wind until their hair stopped being decorative and started being a weapon. To be friends with the dragon. And frankly, waiting to be rescued had always seemed like a spectacular waste of a Tuesday.\u003cbr\u003eYes. Those are the witches. The bitches. I have been both women.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eThe kingdom is not the enemy. Neither are the women in it. Maybe I was wrong to dismiss L. so quickly — when she was only following the rules of the kingdom. Because she genuinely wants the prince. And because she is so close to getting him. While I'm only hoping for the horse.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916290138443,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_3983ad41-77c0-4529-bd4a-ec4947d63aa9.jpg?v=1785562946"},{"product_id":"letter-029-not-everything-needs-to-be-deep-water","title":"Letter 029 — Not Everything Needs to Be Deep Water","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eI have been thinking about the word toxic all week.\u003cbr\u003eRolling it around like a wine I can't decide if I like.\u003cbr\u003eWe throw that word at everything now, don't we?\u003cbr\u003eToxic this.\u003cbr\u003eToxic that.\u003cbr\u003eThe word of the decade.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I've been throwing it too — generously, like confetti — at men, at friends, at whole cities when the mood strikes.\u003cbr\u003eBut this week...\u003cbr\u003ethe confetti landed on me.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I didn't love the view.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eL. is in a phase.\u003cbr\u003eThe kind where she turns every conversation back to herself, unconsciously, only to relate or prove she understands.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I sat there, wine in hand, halo firmly on, mentally filing her under T for toxic.\u003cbr\u003eQuick.\u003cbr\u003eEfficient.\u003cbr\u003eCase closed.\u003cbr\u003eGod...\u003cbr\u003eI've become fast at this.\u003cbr\u003eIs she toxic — or have I simply grown impatient and arrogant as a side effect of growing?\u003cbr\u003eAnd when did I become someone who can't tell the difference?\u003cbr\u003eFuck.\u003cbr\u003eHow could I compare her with D.?\u003cbr\u003eFor him, hurting people was a lifestyle.\u003cbr\u003eA mission.\u003cbr\u003eThe only thing he truly had under control.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOn the other side of toxic are the friends.\u003cbr\u003eThe ones who slowly make you smaller.\u003cbr\u003eWho quietly laugh at your dreams.\u003cbr\u003eWho treat your ambition like an inconvenience because it asks questions they've stopped asking themselves.\u003cbr\u003eTheir applause never arrives.\u003cbr\u003eNot because you haven't earned it.\u003cbr\u003eBecause acknowledging your growth would require admitting they stopped growing.\u003cbr\u003eAnd as for my childhood friends...\u003cbr\u003eI stand firm that whoever's ego can't accept that your mind has grown broader will always try to shrink you back until you fit inside their frame again.\u003cbr\u003eNot because they're evil.\u003cbr\u003eBecause that's the only version of you they still know how to understand.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI dislike comparing people.\u003cbr\u003eSports.\u003cbr\u003eArt.\u003cbr\u003eBooks.\u003cbr\u003eOr anything that exists to be experienced in its own way.\u003cbr\u003eComparison has a habit of erasing what makes something unique.\u003cbr\u003eWe are constantly searching for the best, as though anyone has the authority to declare it once and for all.\u003cbr\u003eBut the best is rarely a constant.\u003cbr\u003eMore often, it is an illusion — created by perspective, preference and the human need to rank what was never meant to compete.\u003cbr\u003eNot everything exists to win.\u003cbr\u003eSome things exist simply to be unlike anything else.\u003cbr\u003eAnd perhaps uniqueness is the only standard worth protecting.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMeanwhile...\u003cbr\u003esome friendships were never meant to hold my full weight.\u003cbr\u003eSome friendships are heels on the ground and a joke already in the bag before we even sit down.\u003cbr\u003eSome are strictly for laughing until the mascara runs at eleven o'clock on a Tuesday, where nobody becomes anything except slightly drunk and highly entertained.\u003cbr\u003eAnd you know what?\u003cbr\u003eThat is also holy.\u003cbr\u003eIn its own cheap, glittery way.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo maybe my crime with L. wasn't keeping her too close.\u003cbr\u003eMaybe I was ordering deep water from a bar that only serves cocktails.\u003cbr\u003eAnd then blaming the bar.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eNot everything that drains you is toxic.\u003cbr\u003eSometimes you're just thirsty for something that particular well was never built to hold.\u003cbr\u003eSo maybe I keep L.\u003cbr\u003eJust —\u003cbr\u003ein the right department.\u003cbr\u003eHeels.\u003cbr\u003eJokes.\u003cbr\u003eMascara at eleven.\u003cbr\u003eCocktails.\u003cbr\u003eNot deep water.\u003cbr\u003eThe deep end stays reserved.\u003cbr\u003eAnd these days...\u003cbr\u003eI'm very picky about who gets to swim there.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916290302283,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_eb64186e-be81-40a3-8fc7-0a8c5865bda5.jpg?v=1785562951"},{"product_id":"chapter-vii-toxique-for-french-and-for-friends-full-chapter","title":"Chapter VII — Toxique, for French and for Friends (Full Chapter)","description":"\u003cp\u003eAll four letters of Chapter VII, in one purchase — a discount over buying them one at a time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 026 — Toxic, With a Help of a Friend\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 027 — Black: 'The Original Classy'\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 028 — None Written Rules\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 029 — Not Everything Needs to Be Deep Water\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"Not everyone is toxic. Sometimes they simply no longer belong where they used to.\"\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916290629963,"sku":null,"price":4.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/chapter-vii-cover.jpg?v=1785564774"}],"url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/collections\/chapter-vii-toxique-for-french-and-for-friends.oembed","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}