{"title":"Chapter 8 — Human Resources, Love Department","description":"\"Life has a habit of interrupting the plan. I had just told a friend that I wasn't thinking about men anymore — let alone looking for one. And then the application arrived.\" Currently in progress, live, one new letter every Sunday. Will contain four letters when complete.","products":[{"product_id":"letter-030-candidate-417","title":"Letter 030 — Candidate #417","description":"\u003cp\u003eTo: HR, Love Department\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSubject: Potential Relationship Application\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDear Miss \"Now Is Not the Right Time,\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI hope my email finds you hot and vibrant — the same way I did when I recently met you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHaving survived direct eye contact with you — which I understand is where most applicants are eliminated — I would like to formally apply for the position of \"Man Worth Ruining Your Peace For.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAs you informed me, the role is technically available, although there is no specific advertising for it and you are not necessarily looking to fill it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI believe I have already passed the initial screening.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou laughed at my jokes twice and rolled your eyes four times — which, by your metrics, I'm reading as a strong ratio.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI also believe the unspoken chemistry between us — noted, however, by everyone in the room — along with the fact that I am a Capricorn, which you kindly informed me is your worst nightmare, and the softness in your knees, are all great signs of the strong candidate I am.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAllow me to present my qualifications for this century, since apparently the bar is now underground:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI text back. Same day.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSometimes — brace yourself — within the hour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo \"hey\" at 11pm after three weeks of silence.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo orbiting your stories like a lost satellite.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI text even when you don't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBecause, as already established, my stubbornness comes with my birth sign.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI am not a \"What are we?\" man.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI'm also not a \"I'm not looking for anything serious but keep acting like your boyfriend\" man — I understand that species has flooded the market and dragged the property values down for all of us.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI acknowledge I have been single for a considerable period.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is not a red flag. It's a hiring strategy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI don't apply for just any position.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut if someone is going to ruin my life, it may as well be someone as funny, intense and charming as you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI understand the successful candidate is expected to:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRemain emotionally available even when it's inconvenient.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSurvive philosophical conversations after midnight — and sex after philosophical conversations.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBe a great kisser.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnswer your sarcasm with more devilish sarcasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePlay along in your flirting game — the push, the pull, the way you want it with dominance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTrust me. That last one is my field.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI further understand there is a probation period, assessing:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhether I hold your hand in public places.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHow I speak to waiters.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhether I slow down when walking, because you did.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePlease find attached the following documents:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ Impeccable sense of humour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ Curiosity — the genuine kind, not the interview technique.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ 24\/7 customer service. Live chat support included.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ All-year-round abs — and the triceps. Your favourite.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ An extreme sex drive and a very specific talent for making you forget what you were arguing about.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e✔ Hands that know the difference between touching you and reaching for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere is a difference. I intend to demonstrate.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eReferences available — though I'd strongly prefer you didn't call them, as several are still emotionally recovering.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFull disclosure: my ambition runs at a slightly lower altitude than yours.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI won't pretend otherwise — you'd audit me anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut I'm not lacking dreams or desire.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSome men bring empires. I bring showing up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery day. Including the days you're impossible — which, per my preliminary research, is often.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd unpredictable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eExpected salary:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOne loyal woman.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe occasional steak.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe right to steal fries without asking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe side of the bed closest to the door — non-negotiable, it's a protective instinct, don't unpack it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI would also like the right to smack that beautiful butt of yours.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStrength depending on the position.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKindly also advise whether the role includes pension contributions, paid annual leave, and performance bonuses.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI ask for a friend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePlease note: I understand I am not applying to become your whole life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnly someone who could potentially make it bigger.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI am aware other applicants may offer better looks, more money, more charm.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut if I ever become the safest place in your nervous system — I'll stay.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThank you for considering my application.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShould I be unsuccessful, I completely understand — the position appears highly competitive.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThough I notice it has been vacant for some time.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKind regards,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePotential Candidate #417\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916291023179,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/letter-030-cover.png?v=1787947316"},{"product_id":"letter-031-re-open-application","title":"Letter 031 — Re: Open Application","description":"\u003cp\u003eTo: Candidate #417\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSubject: Re: Open Application\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDear Mr. \"Man Worth Ruining My Peace For,\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFirstly, I would like to thank you for your interest in becoming a part of my life.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI hope this email finds you wild and persistent — just like when I met you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI must admit I did expect you to follow up on your interest that night.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut I also have to admit — I did not see you coming this far.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy Love Department has been closed for a very long time now, and HR has warned me they are not keen on reopening for whoever comes first.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMost candidates will see the job location and take it as a closed door.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou read it as an invitation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNoted. Filed under: concerning, but intriguing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRegarding the eye contact — you were very firm on it and established leadership, which the previous 415 candidates lacked, as only one has successfully fulfilled this position since the opening of the company.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI do not aim to take up your valuable time, so I will proceed straightforwardly — which is the native language in our establishment.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou did indeed make me laugh and roll my eyes, which, to put it in darts terms, is a ten out of ten.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour maths is correct.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe do not overlook a light smile, nor an eye roll, nor an argument without makeup sex.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour texting skills are impressive — also backed up with photos of what you are doing and where you are, without me even asking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA very valuable skill.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThough I should warn you: Consistency in week one is marketing. Consistency in month eight is a qualification. We'll see which product you're selling.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou text even when I don't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy phone noticed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy friends noticed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd a small part of my heart did too.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou are not a \"What are we?\" man.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGood.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFull disclosure: I am not a \"What are we?\" woman either.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI know exactly what things are — usually before they happen — and I have a documented history of leaving before the question becomes necessary.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou've been single for a considerable period as a \"hiring strategy.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eInteresting.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo have I.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMine wasn't strategy though.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMine was renovation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe previous occupants left the place in a state — trust removed without a permit, one of them redecorated my entire nervous system without asking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI rebuilt everything myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery wall.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo understand what you're applying to enter: this is not a vacancy from neglect.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's a vacancy from standards — currently higher than ever.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCONDITIONS OF EMPLOYMENT\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe hours are unfixed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis will never be a 9-to-5 arrangement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRemote work is possible — I value my own oxygen — but a minimum of two to three face-to-face days per week is required.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eChemistry does not transfer over text, and you will be required to personally maintain my body's desires — which will be your job, and your job only.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUnless I am in the mood to do it myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePersonal space is non-negotiable.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSarcasm and passion — both required, daily.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn that order before coffee.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eReversed after 10 p.m.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou will also be required to read the room — whether I am in a huggy, romantic mood or in an \"I am a badass who needs to be put in place\" mood.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGood luck with that.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI must inform you that this is the one part of the job no candidate has ever been able to conquer.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTHE COMPENSATION PACKAGE\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOne loyal woman.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnce I'm in, I'm embarrassingly, catastrophically in.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere is no half version of me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHonesty. Full strength. You will always know where you stand.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSometimes you'll wish you didn't.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt passes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIntellectual provocation.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI will argue with you beautifully at midnight and change your mind about things you didn't know you had opinions on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFreshly cooked meals when on site.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eActual cooking — not \"I make a great pasta\" energy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI am dedicated to looking hot as fuck — pardon my French.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen at home, out at the gym, or anywhere I can catch my own reflection — this is not something that will disappear with time.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHigh heels are a must — five out of seven days.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI will not be asking where we are going if you are taking me out.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe only information I will require is the time — and heels or armour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFitness Disclosure\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI am not keen on gyms and I won't pretend otherwise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHowever, I commit — contractually — to looking as sexy as possible at all times using my own methods.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe methods are classified.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe results are not.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDAILY OPERATIONS MANUAL\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBecause previous candidates failed on logistics, not chemistry.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMornings — I wake up slightly grumpy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis is weather, not war.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDo not fix it. Do not narrate it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCoffee resolves it — with milk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd here's the good news: I genuinely don't care if it's Nescafé or a hand-poured ritual.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCongratulations. This is the only low-maintenance department in the entire company.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBreakfast is sacred. Attendance expected.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScheduling notice — read twice: I do not have sex after food.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePhysiology, not policy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIf evening activities are anticipated, ensure they are completed before dinner.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePlan your menu accordingly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvenings — I enjoy a glass of wine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSometimes scotch.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd occasionally I will put on slow, sexy blues — at which point understand that the music is not the plan.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe music is the memo.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAttendance is mandatory.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePAID LEAVE\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYour holidays include trips with the boys.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKeep your interests. Keep your people. Keep the questionable group chat.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eInclude me when needed — not when performed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA man with no life of his own eventually applies for mine, and this company has a strict no-merger policy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd since you asked about pension contributions — the scheme includes: Awesome sex, indexed against inflation. An unreasonable amount of kissing. Hand-holding in public, like we mean it. And encouragement delivered before you ask — which is the entire point of encouragement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTERMINATION POLICY\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShould you wish to resign, do so without having already started a second job.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLeave like a gentleman and you'll be remembered warmly. Possibly even missed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHowever — part-time positions on the side are strictly forbidden.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd should I discover the employee has been working at another establishment alongside this contract, termination is immediate, and you will face the full force of Crazy Revenge Bitch™ — Act 356, in the Court of The Unwritten Rules for Love.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe comes factory-installed. She's been dormant for years. She remembers everything. She has your mother's number.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd she has been described by previous witnesses as: \"Biblical.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe sincerely hope to never introduce you.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe hopes so too. She's enjoying retirement.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eREGARDING YOUR SALARY EXPECTATIONS\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSteak is non-negotiable. We can have it in any part of the house.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOnce you are approved for this job, my food is yours.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe side of the bed closest to the door — approved. I sleep near the window anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAPPLICATION STATUS\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRegarding your closing statement: \"If I ever become the safest place in your nervous system — I'll stay.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI read that line more times than I will admit in writing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo here is the only fully honest sentence in this entire letter: I don't know yet if you're the safest place in my nervous system, or just the first quiet room I've walked into after years of noise.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThose two feel identical from the inside.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI have confused them before. Expensively.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTherefore: the position is not filled today. But it is no longer closed either.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eStatus: Under Review.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eProbation begins without announcement. It may have already started. You won't know which Tuesday counts.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eKind regards,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe Hiring Manager\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLove Department\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eP.S.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYou noticed the position has been vacant for some time.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCorrect.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut vacant and abandoned are not the same thing.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSome rooms stay empty because nothing worth moving in has applied.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUntil... possibly now.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916291219787,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/letter-031-cover.png?v=1787947292"},{"product_id":"letter-032-modern-dating-i-dont-know","title":"Letter 032 — Modern Dating: \"I Don't Know.\"","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ePosh streets.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe knocking sound of my heels against the concrete.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNo—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003enot the polite kind.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFlash-night eyeliner.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGlossy lips.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd the music in my ears.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe whole entourage is here.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTen-minute walk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThree songs later.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was already taking the creamy blazer off my shoulders as I walked into the Michelin-star restaurant to meet F.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGirls' night?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot this time.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSteak night.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eRed wine.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd one man who refused to back off.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe moment I sat at the bar and lifted my eyes, the bartender was already looking at me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot like we knew each other.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLike we were definitely going to.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThank God I'd gone heavy on the blush.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot that anyone could tell.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlthough apparently girls aren't allowed to blush anymore.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhat a stupid trend.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBring back the blush.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFuck looking unbothered.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI didn't particularly fancy him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I dismissed it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOr at least I thought I did.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt around nine o'clock, somewhere between the second glass of wine and F.'s disbelief, I heard myself say something I hadn't realised I believed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat I hadn't thought about men in such a long time.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo long that I didn't even realise it until she brought it up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe idea of romance.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe constant searching.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe lust.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe obsession.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt all felt...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003efinished.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAll this while he was still pouring.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd finding a good reason to light up a conversation from which F. was completely excluded.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShe, very confidently, with all the data she'd gathered from social media, lifted her finger and said—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"TOXIC?\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI wonder if people actually realise the meaning of that word.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI defended his confidence.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMen play games and pretend they aren't interested.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThis guy didn't care if the whole restaurant noticed that he liked me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd he wouldn't give up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIn the funniest, least arrogant way possible.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhy toxic?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen she called me toxic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor defending him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFunny how girls work.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBy the end of the evening, his persistence had earned him an application to Human Resources.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThree weeks later...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI still haven't rejected it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhich brings me to the uncomfortable part.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhy haven't I accepted it either?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eChecklist:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003col\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSuccessful.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWell dressed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCool friends.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHot body.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTall.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ol\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen did the list with funny, caring, well-mannered, disciplined, consistent...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eturn into things I don't even know if I am myself?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhatever I need the man to be, to love him.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\"He's just a bartender at 36,\" F. said.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut what are you, F., at the age of 45?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eA bit snobbish, don't you think?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I'm glad she said it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBecause the moment she said it was the moment I looked at myself and thought—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ethis is not who I want to be.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI've been socially brainwashed.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I'm finally rewinding the bullshit.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen I see a woman on TV being celebrated for standing next to her man when he had nothing, I think—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI would do the same.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut when it's our turn, the love doesn't seem to come so unconditionally.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd God forbid he doesn't arrive as the full, accomplished package.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen we measure whether he'll be able to support a family and kids...\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003ebefore the first kiss has even happened.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I told him I don't actually want kids.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThen it's another no.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor a number of things that don't exist outside my head.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat's for the good guy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFor the bad guy, I had a number of excuses for why he was a great guy.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDear me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEight months after another \"Fuck you!\"\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt's black and white with you, isn't it?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEither the toxic one or the impossible love.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut when it's something everyone says no longer exists—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003equestions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eQuestions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTests.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDoubts.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eExpectations.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhy is that?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI never had a normal relationship.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I never chose to have one.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMaybe I wanted my story to be extraordinary enough to make it worth it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOr maybe it's time to grow up.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd once and for all answer the question we all need answered:\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhy do we reject a good man when we find him?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":58004815184203,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/letter-032-cover.png?v=1787947261"},{"product_id":"letter-033-trying-it-on","title":"Letter 033 — Trying It On","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI needed my usual one-hour walk.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe one I started thirty-two Sundays ago.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEarbuds on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eToday's turn belonged to '90s pop.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI needed something sweet.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSomething familiar.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSomething gentle.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI was about to do the thinking.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI don't point my middle finger at the fridge anymore because I converted the ice cream into healthy Skyr with raspberries.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eApparently that's the higher currency currently keeping my body as fit as my will allows it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAlthough…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI do miss pointing my middle finger at something once in a while.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eShoes on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBaseball cap.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd I hear the door closing behind me as quickly as I can, so I don't have time to change my mind.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eActions, dear girl.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eActions.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eTalking about actions…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThe texting between me and Dom has quietly become part of every day.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery hour.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eEvery minute.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI like to convince myself that I don't like it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut I do.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHe's so interested in everything I do.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd, on my side…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI'm mostly interested in what he thinks about everything I do.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI seriously don't find any of his interests capable of creating curiosity in me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot the slightest.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut I can't ignore how much I like his attention.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eam I enjoying him…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eor simply enjoying being enjoyed?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSometimes when he sends me a voice message, I want to kill myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAt this rate I'll retire before he reaches the point.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eUntil he actually pronounces a sentence.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eDespite that,\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI keep imagining what kissing him would feel like.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI loved kissing, and it's been a while…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWould I become more attached once we finally see each other?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eFour days from today.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI'm diving straight to the bottom of a sea so full of fish…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eand somehow I keep thinking this particular one is missing from my menu.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI don't know why I'm going through this now.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI guess I no longer think about love as only the colour red.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI think about the whole palette.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd my decisions are simply trying to match the colours accordingly.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eCandidate #417 came in a shade I'd seen before.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eBut never thought suited me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI never wore it.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI never even tried it on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt wasn't intense enough.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThere was nothing forbidden.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing hidden.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing tragic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNothing too romantic.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt was…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003etoo mature.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnd would my collection of love really be complete…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eif I stop adding to it?\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMature love.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI've never heard anything more boring.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMaybe it won't hurt to try it on.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eJust this once.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo I can finally reject it…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003efor real.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eYes.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI think that's what's actually bothering me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat I'm rejecting something…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI've never tried.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eHow hypocritical of me.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAfter claiming for years that my heart earned its emotions in strip clubs with long nails and nasty moves.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMaybe I have more to give.\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eOr maybe…\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eit's finally time to receive.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":58225453138251,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/letter-033-cover.png?v=1787947238"},{"product_id":"chapter-viii-human-resources-love-department-full-chapter","title":"Chapter VIII — Human Resources, Love Department (Full Chapter)","description":"\u003cp\u003eAll four letters of Chapter VIII, in one purchase — a discount over buying them one at a time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cul\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 030 — Candidate #417\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 031 — Re: Open Application\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 032 — Modern Dating: \"I Don't Know.\"\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003cli\u003eLetter 033 — Trying It On\u003c\/li\u003e\n\u003c\/ul\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"Maybe I have more to give. Or maybe... it's finally time to receive.\"\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":58225464377675,"sku":null,"price":4.99,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/chapter-8-cover_9fc15be5-5a70-4355-847e-57e751e0eb56.png?v=1787947216"}],"url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/collections\/chapter-viii-human-resources-love-department.oembed","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}