{"product_id":"letter-020-i-was-my-toxic-man","title":"Letter 020 — I Was My Toxic Man","description":"\u003cp\u003eI couldn't understand exactly what game I was playing with myself.\u003cbr\u003eI wasn't the type to share much with the mirror.\u003cbr\u003eThis was different.\u003cbr\u003eI wasn't looking at me — I was looking at the one I was chasing.\u003cbr\u003eDear future me, I met you last night...\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHalf a bottle in, I was so relaxed, like I had done this for years.\u003cbr\u003eThis… what is this?\u003cbr\u003eIs it what everyone calls manifestation?\u003cbr\u003eI was — I am — yet to understand, but I don't need the name just now.\u003cbr\u003eThe moment was just perfect.\u003cbr\u003eSo was the amount of wine, but that didn't stop me from pouring more.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI didn't realise how deep I was in this delusion game until I started having imaginary conversations with people I know, with people who used to matter.\u003cbr\u003eI guess I wanted them to see me as I see myself today — calm, soft, seductive, precise in my imaginary answers.\u003cbr\u003eI felt like I was rewriting the past and ending it the way I never had the chance to before, because the version of myself then didn't know what \"no\" meant, except for herself.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI could feel the slow breeze on my neck coming through the window.\u003cbr\u003eI wished someone could have touched me then and given me another reason to fulfil the future.\u003cbr\u003eI wanted to be admired as I was admiring myself — openly, unconditionally, and hard to resist.\u003cbr\u003eMy lips were touching the edge of the wine glass like I was expecting a kiss.\u003cbr\u003eMy skin was revealing everything with electricity.\u003cbr\u003eAnd suddenly I just wanted to turn the light off, right after leaving the white behind on the floor, in a small devilish dance, erotic for myself.\u003cbr\u003eI knew this would happen again the moment I lit a cigarette in bed.\u003cbr\u003eI felt dirty, crazy, and satisfied.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI was my toxic guy.\u003cbr\u003eThe rush. The intensity. The morning after.\u003cbr\u003eExcept this time, both roles were mine.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eI woke up reborn.\u003cbr\u003eRe-fucking-incarnated.\u003cbr\u003eI don't even know how to call it — maybe fulfilled.\u003cbr\u003eThe feeling was weirdly familiar.\u003cbr\u003eI used to feel like this when I woke up after D. — the 2:13am door, the blue eyes, the most magnificent toxic man I ever met, broken beyond repair — a fucking masterpiece of toxicity.\u003cbr\u003eFeeling used, with crushed dignity traded for a great orgasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eIt is a toxique summer.\u003cbr\u003eAnd the hunt has begun.\u003cbr\u003eWho the fuck am I turning into?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916283552075,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_92f736f2-1a56-4872-8476-0d756b432b82.jpg?v=1785562900","url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/products\/letter-020-i-was-my-toxic-man","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}