{"product_id":"letter-026-toxic-with-a-help-of-a-friend","title":"Letter 026 — Toxic, With a Help of a Friend","description":"\u003cp\u003eToxic with the help of a friend.\u003cbr\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003eI've been haunted by a dream that I can't stop trying to analyse.\u003cbr\u003eI am not picking at something just because I need the depth.\u003cbr\u003eI am picking at it because it keeps returning.\u003cbr\u003eEvery morning.\u003cbr\u003eWhen I open my eyes, even the smell is still there.\u003cbr\u003eI have lived too long to believe this is a coincidence, or that my mind isn't trying to tell me something.\u003cbr\u003eIt's the same man.\u003cbr\u003eD.\u003cbr\u003eA different scene every night.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd what drives me completely mad is that I haven't thought about him for ages.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I mean nothing.\u003cbr\u003eEven if something reminds me of him, there is no feeling file attached to it anymore.\u003cbr\u003eJust an object no longer in use.\u003cbr\u003eYet the object talks to me.\u003cbr\u003eExplains things I never asked.\u003cbr\u003eAnd out of everything remotely close to reality, the only thing that stays consistent is that somehow the conversation is still about him.\u003cbr\u003eI never cared much about the meaning of dreams.\u003cbr\u003eI sometimes fall asleep thinking about something I am missing, something I want, something I am trying to solve.\u003cbr\u003eBut he hasn't been on that list for months.\u003cbr\u003eAnd even writing this, or standing inside the dream itself, I feel nothing about him.\u003cbr\u003eNot even cravings for the great sex that was only available in the beginning.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eS.O.S. in the group chat.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I am on my way to collect two more opinions, even though the arrogance in me is convinced they won't tell me anything I haven't already thought myself.\u003cbr\u003eMessage sent.\u003cbr\u003eTwo blue checks.\u003cbr\u003eThe support group has officially been activated.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eF. is very spiritual.\u003cbr\u003eSo naturally she explains it through secret desires, loneliness, unfinished emotions, or maybe that I am still trying to deny he matters.\u003cbr\u003eThat I still bleed on his floor.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eL. immediately makes it about herself.\u003cbr\u003eOr whatever happens to be happening in her life this week.\u003cbr\u003eIn fact, her response was the one I cared the least about because she somehow manages to make every conversation circle back to her own reflection.\u003cbr\u003eI believe my connection with her only exists when F. is there.\u003cbr\u003eOtherwise it is endless conversations about men.\u003cbr\u003eMen.\u003cbr\u003eAnd more men.\u003cbr\u003eIf you asked me to tell you something interesting about her, I genuinely don't think I could.\u003cbr\u003eUnless it involved a man.\u003cbr\u003eThat is how little personality I have managed to find underneath it all.\u003cbr\u003eHow a smart woman, living in the centre of one of the biggest cities in Europe, reaches this age with nothing to talk about except the desire to be seen, desired, admired, and constantly chasing the illusion of the perfect man in whoever happens to be standing in front of her.\u003cbr\u003eAnd then the next one is even better.\u003cbr\u003eBut what is reality and what is fantasy?\u003cbr\u003eNobody can really tell.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn fact, lately even talking to her irritates me.\u003cbr\u003eI disappeared from the chat for a few days.\u003cbr\u003eMostly because of her.\u003cbr\u003eAnd if it wasn't for F., I honestly don't think I would choose to sit down and have a drink with her.\u003cbr\u003eI generally find almost everything else more entertaining.\u003cbr\u003eI sound like a bitch.\u003cbr\u003eBut do I have to lie to myself just so I don't sound like one?\u003cbr\u003eWe are who we are.\u003cbr\u003eI guess.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e...\u003cbr\u003eOh my God.\u003cbr\u003eWait a minute.\u003cbr\u003eShe is him.\u003cbr\u003eI have never thought about that before.\u003cbr\u003eWe always say: Toxic man. Toxic man. Toxic man.\u003cbr\u003eBut the pattern is exactly the same.\u003cbr\u003eThe only difference between D. and L. is that one of them at least gave me an orgasm.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo is it possible that my mind wasn't trying to tell me anything about D. at all?\u003cbr\u003eIs it possible that it was trying to show me a pattern?\u003cbr\u003eThat I am still inviting the same energy into my life, just in different forms?\u003cbr\u003eAnd if that's true, then maybe toxic was never only for men.\u003cbr\u003eMaybe nobody talks about toxic friendships because friendship sounds softer.\u003cbr\u003eKinder.\u003cbr\u003eLess dangerous.\u003cbr\u003eBut what if it isn't?\u003cbr\u003eWhat if the friendship version simply takes longer to recognise?\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916287680843,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_8b5eb6f6-40b7-4a6c-a34d-540ab89d3834.jpg?v=1785562935","url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/products\/letter-026-toxic-with-a-help-of-a-friend","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}