{"product_id":"letter-030-candidate-417","title":"Letter 030 — Candidate #417","description":"\u003cp\u003eTo: HR, Love Department\u003cbr\u003eSubject: Potential Relationship Application\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear Miss \"Now Is Not the Right Time,\"\u003cbr\u003eI hope my email finds you hot and vibrant — the same way I did when I recently met you.\u003cbr\u003eHaving survived direct eye contact with you — which I understand is where most applicants are eliminated — I would like to formally apply for the position of \"Man Worth Ruining Your Peace For.\"\u003cbr\u003eAs you informed me, the role is technically available, although there is no specific advertising for it and you are not necessarily looking to fill it.\u003cbr\u003eI believe I have already passed the initial screening.\u003cbr\u003eYou laughed at my jokes twice and rolled your eyes four times — which, by your metrics, I'm reading as a strong ratio.\u003cbr\u003eI also believe the unspoken chemistry between us — noted, however, by everyone in the room — along with the fact that I am a Capricorn, which you kindly informed me is your worst nightmare, and the softness in your knees, are all great signs of the strong candidate I am.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAllow me to present my qualifications for this century, since apparently the bar is now underground:\u003cbr\u003eI text back. Same day.\u003cbr\u003eSometimes — brace yourself — within the hour.\u003cbr\u003eNo \"hey\" at 11pm after three weeks of silence.\u003cbr\u003eNo orbiting your stories like a lost satellite.\u003cbr\u003eI text even when you don't.\u003cbr\u003eBecause, as already established, my stubbornness comes with my birth sign.\u003cbr\u003eI am not a \"What are we?\" man.\u003cbr\u003eI'm also not a \"I'm not looking for anything serious but keep acting like your boyfriend\" man — I understand that species has flooded the market and dragged the property values down for all of us.\u003cbr\u003eI acknowledge I have been single for a considerable period.\u003cbr\u003eThis is not a red flag. It's a hiring strategy.\u003cbr\u003eI don't apply for just any position.\u003cbr\u003eBut if someone is going to ruin my life, it may as well be someone as funny, intense and charming as you.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI understand the successful candidate is expected to:\u003cbr\u003eRemain emotionally available even when it's inconvenient.\u003cbr\u003eSurvive philosophical conversations after midnight — and sex after philosophical conversations.\u003cbr\u003eBe a great kisser.\u003cbr\u003eAnswer your sarcasm with more devilish sarcasm.\u003cbr\u003ePlay along in your flirting game — the push, the pull, the way you want it with dominance.\u003cbr\u003eTrust me. That last one is my field.\u003cbr\u003eI further understand there is a probation period, assessing:\u003cbr\u003eWhether I hold your hand in public places.\u003cbr\u003eHow I speak to waiters.\u003cbr\u003eWhether I slow down when walking, because you did.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePlease find attached the following documents:\u003cbr\u003e✔ Impeccable sense of humour.\u003cbr\u003e✔ Curiosity — the genuine kind, not the interview technique.\u003cbr\u003e✔ 24\/7 customer service. Live chat support included.\u003cbr\u003e✔ All-year-round abs — and the triceps. Your favourite.\u003cbr\u003e✔ An extreme sex drive and a very specific talent for making you forget what you were arguing about.\u003cbr\u003e✔ Hands that know the difference between touching you and reaching for you.\u003cbr\u003eThere is a difference. I intend to demonstrate.\u003cbr\u003eReferences available — though I'd strongly prefer you didn't call them, as several are still emotionally recovering.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFull disclosure: my ambition runs at a slightly lower altitude than yours.\u003cbr\u003eI won't pretend otherwise — you'd audit me anyway.\u003cbr\u003eBut I'm not lacking dreams or desire.\u003cbr\u003eSome men bring empires. I bring showing up.\u003cbr\u003eEvery day. Including the days you're impossible — which, per my preliminary research, is often.\u003cbr\u003eAnd unpredictable.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExpected salary:\u003cbr\u003eOne loyal woman.\u003cbr\u003eThe occasional steak.\u003cbr\u003eThe right to steal fries without asking.\u003cbr\u003eThe side of the bed closest to the door — non-negotiable, it's a protective instinct, don't unpack it.\u003cbr\u003eI would also like the right to smack that beautiful butt of yours.\u003cbr\u003eStrength depending on the position.\u003cbr\u003eKindly also advise whether the role includes pension contributions, paid annual leave, and performance bonuses.\u003cbr\u003eI ask for a friend.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePlease note: I understand I am not applying to become your whole life.\u003cbr\u003eOnly someone who could potentially make it bigger.\u003cbr\u003eI am aware other applicants may offer better looks, more money, more charm.\u003cbr\u003eBut if I ever become the safest place in your nervous system — I'll stay.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThank you for considering my application.\u003cbr\u003eShould I be unsuccessful, I completely understand — the position appears highly competitive.\u003cbr\u003eThough I notice it has been vacant for some time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eKind regards,\u003cbr\u003ePotential Candidate #417\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916291023179,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_6c5a5127-5c43-48e1-817a-24205cf46bcf.jpg?v=1785562957","url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/products\/letter-030-candidate-417","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}