{"product_id":"letter-031-re-open-application","title":"Letter 031 — Re: Open Application","description":"\u003cp\u003eTo: Candidate #417\u003cbr\u003eSubject: Re: Open Application\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear Mr. \"Man Worth Ruining My Peace For,\"\u003cbr\u003eFirstly, I would like to thank you for your interest in becoming a part of my life.\u003cbr\u003eI hope this email finds you wild and persistent — just like when I met you.\u003cbr\u003eI must admit I did expect you to follow up on your interest that night.\u003cbr\u003eBut I also have to admit — I did not see you coming this far.\u003cbr\u003eMy Love Department has been closed for a very long time now, and HR has warned me they are not keen on reopening for whoever comes first.\u003cbr\u003eMost candidates will see the job location and take it as a closed door.\u003cbr\u003eYou read it as an invitation.\u003cbr\u003eNoted. Filed under: concerning, but intriguing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eRegarding the eye contact — you were very firm on it and established leadership, which the previous 415 candidates lacked, as only one has successfully fulfilled this position since the opening of the company.\u003cbr\u003eI do not aim to take up your valuable time, so I will proceed straightforwardly — which is the native language in our establishment.\u003cbr\u003eYou did indeed make me laugh and roll my eyes, which, to be said in a game of darts, is a ten out of ten.\u003cbr\u003eYour maths is correct.\u003cbr\u003eWe do not overlook a light smile, nor an eye roll, nor an argument without makeup sex.\u003cbr\u003eYour texting skills are impressive — also backed up with photos of what you are doing and where you are, without me even asking.\u003cbr\u003eA very valuable skill.\u003cbr\u003eThough I should warn you: Consistency in week one is marketing. Consistency in month eight is a qualification. We'll see which product you're selling.\u003cbr\u003eYou text even when I don't.\u003cbr\u003eMy phone noticed.\u003cbr\u003eMy friends noticed.\u003cbr\u003eAnd a small part of my heart did too.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou are not a \"What are we?\" man.\u003cbr\u003eGood.\u003cbr\u003eFull disclosure: I am not a \"What are we?\" woman either.\u003cbr\u003eI know exactly what things are — usually before they happen — and I have a documented history of leaving before the question becomes necessary.\u003cbr\u003eYou've been single for a considerable period as a \"hiring strategy.\"\u003cbr\u003eInteresting.\u003cbr\u003eSo have I.\u003cbr\u003eMine wasn't strategy though.\u003cbr\u003eMine was renovation.\u003cbr\u003eThe previous occupants left the place in a state — trust removed without a permit, one of them redecorated my entire nervous system without asking.\u003cbr\u003eI rebuilt everything myself.\u003cbr\u003eEvery wall.\u003cbr\u003eSo understand what you're applying to enter: this is not a vacancy from neglect.\u003cbr\u003eIt's a vacancy from standards — currently higher than ever.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eCONDITIONS OF EMPLOYMENT\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe hours are unfixed.\u003cbr\u003eThis will never be a 9-to-5 arrangement.\u003cbr\u003eRemote work is possible — I value my own oxygen — but a minimum of two to three face-to-face days per week is required.\u003cbr\u003eChemistry does not transfer over text, and you will be required to personally maintain my body's desires — which will be you, and your job only.\u003cbr\u003eUnless I am in the mood to do it myself.\u003cbr\u003ePersonal space is non-negotiable.\u003cbr\u003eSarcasm and passion — both required, daily.\u003cbr\u003eIn that order before coffee.\u003cbr\u003eReversed after 10 p.m.\u003cbr\u003eYou will also be required to read the room — whether I am in a huggy, romantic mood or in an \"I am a badass who needs to be put in place\" mood.\u003cbr\u003eGood luck with that.\u003cbr\u003eI must inform you that this is the one part of the job no candidate has ever been able to conquer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTHE COMPENSATION PACKAGE\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOne loyal woman.\u003cbr\u003eOnce I'm in, I'm embarrassingly, catastrophically in.\u003cbr\u003eThere is no half version of me.\u003cbr\u003eHonesty. Full strength. You will always know where you stand.\u003cbr\u003eSometimes you'll wish you didn't.\u003cbr\u003eIt passes.\u003cbr\u003eIntellectual provocation.\u003cbr\u003eI will argue with you beautifully at midnight and change your mind about things you didn't know you had opinions on.\u003cbr\u003eFreshly cooked meals when on site.\u003cbr\u003eActual cooking — not \"I make a great pasta\" energy.\u003cbr\u003eI am dedicated to looking hot as fuck — pardon my French.\u003cbr\u003eWhen at home, out at the gym, or anywhere I can catch my own reflection — this is not something that will disappear with time.\u003cbr\u003eHigh heels are a must — five out of seven days.\u003cbr\u003eI will not be asking where we are going if you are taking me out.\u003cbr\u003eThe only information I will require is the time — and heels or armour.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eFitness Disclosure\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI am not keen on gyms and I won't pretend otherwise.\u003cbr\u003eHowever, I commit — contractually — to looking as sexy as possible at all times using my own methods.\u003cbr\u003eThe methods are classified.\u003cbr\u003eThe results are not.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDAILY OPERATIONS MANUAL\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBecause previous candidates failed on logistics, not chemistry.\u003cbr\u003eMornings — I wake up slightly grumpy.\u003cbr\u003eThis is weather, not war.\u003cbr\u003eDo not fix it. Do not narrate it.\u003cbr\u003eCoffee resolves it — with milk.\u003cbr\u003eAnd here's the good news: I genuinely don't care if it's Nescafé or a hand-poured ritual.\u003cbr\u003eCongratulations. This is the only low-maintenance department in the entire company.\u003cbr\u003eBreakfast is sacred. Attendance expected.\u003cbr\u003eScheduling notice — read twice: I do not have sex after food.\u003cbr\u003ePhysiology, not policy.\u003cbr\u003eIf evening activities are anticipated, ensure they are completed before dinner.\u003cbr\u003ePlan your menu accordingly.\u003cbr\u003eEvenings — I enjoy a glass of wine.\u003cbr\u003eSometimes scotch.\u003cbr\u003eAnd occasionally I will put on slow, sexy blues — at which point understand that the music is not the plan.\u003cbr\u003eThe music is the memo.\u003cbr\u003eAttendance is mandatory.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003ePAID LEAVE\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYour holidays include trips with the boys.\u003cbr\u003eKeep your interests. Keep your people. Keep the questionable group chat.\u003cbr\u003eInclude me when needed — not when performed.\u003cbr\u003eA man with no life of his own eventually applies for mine, and this company has a strict no-merger policy.\u003cbr\u003eAnd since you asked about pension contributions — the scheme includes: Awesome sex, indexed against inflation. An unreasonable amount of kissing. Hand-holding in public, like we mean it. And encouragement delivered before you ask — which is the entire point of encouragement.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eTERMINATION POLICY\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eShould you wish to resign, do so without having already started a second job.\u003cbr\u003eLeave like a gentleman and you'll be remembered warmly. Possibly even missed.\u003cbr\u003eHowever — part-time positions on the side are strictly forbidden.\u003cbr\u003eAnd should I discover the employee has been working at another establishment alongside this contract, termination is immediate, and you will face the full force of Crazy Revenge Bitch™ — Act 356, in the Court of The Unwritten Rules for Love.\u003cbr\u003eShe comes factory-installed. She's been dormant for years. She remembers everything. She has your mother's number.\u003cbr\u003eAnd she has been described by previous witnesses as: \"Biblical.\"\u003cbr\u003eWe sincerely hope to never introduce you.\u003cbr\u003eShe hopes so too. She's enjoying retirement.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eREGARDING YOUR SALARY EXPECTATIONS\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSteak is non-negotiable. We can have it in any part of the house.\u003cbr\u003eOnce you are approved for this job, my food is yours.\u003cbr\u003eThe side of the bed closest to the door — approved. I sleep near the window anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eAPPLICATION STATUS\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eRegarding your closing statement: \"If I ever become the safest place in your nervous system — I'll stay.\"\u003cbr\u003eI read that line more times than I will admit in writing.\u003cbr\u003eSo here is the only fully honest sentence in this entire letter: I don't know yet if you're the safest place in my nervous system, or just the first quiet room I've walked into after years of noise.\u003cbr\u003eThose two feel identical from the inside.\u003cbr\u003eI have confused them before. Expensively.\u003cbr\u003eTherefore: the position is not filled today. But it is no longer closed either.\u003cbr\u003eStatus: Under Review.\u003cbr\u003eProbation begins without announcement. It may have already started. You won't know which Tuesday counts.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eKind regards,\u003cbr\u003eThe Hiring Manager\u003cbr\u003eLove Department\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eP.S.\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYou noticed the position has been vacant for some time.\u003cbr\u003eCorrect.\u003cbr\u003eBut vacant and abandoned are not the same thing.\u003cbr\u003eSome rooms stay empty because nothing worth moving in has applied.\u003cbr\u003eUntil... possibly now.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":57916291219787,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_a2e9d7bd-a9af-4fbb-8d33-05a19fcca5d4.jpg?v=1785562963","url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/products\/letter-031-re-open-application","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}