{"product_id":"letter-032-modern-dating-i-dont-know","title":"Letter 032 — Modern Dating: \"I Don't Know.\"","description":"\u003cp\u003eDear me,\u003cbr\u003ePosh streets.\u003cbr\u003eThe knocking sound of my heels against the concrete.\u003cbr\u003eNo—\u003cbr\u003enot the polite kind.\u003cbr\u003eFlash-night eyeliner.\u003cbr\u003eGlossy lips.\u003cbr\u003eAnd the music in my ears.\u003cbr\u003eThe whole entourage is here.\u003cbr\u003eTen-minute walk.\u003cbr\u003eThree songs later.\u003cbr\u003eI was already taking the creamy blazer off my shoulders as I walked into the Michelin-star restaurant to meet F.\u003cbr\u003eGirls' night?\u003cbr\u003eNot this time.\u003cbr\u003eSteak night.\u003cbr\u003eRed wine.\u003cbr\u003eAnd one man who refused to back off.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe moment I sat at the bar and lifted my eyes, the bartender was already looking at me.\u003cbr\u003eNot like we knew each other.\u003cbr\u003eLike we were definitely going to.\u003cbr\u003eThank God I'd gone heavy on the blush.\u003cbr\u003eNot that anyone could tell.\u003cbr\u003eAlthough apparently girls aren't allowed to blush anymore.\u003cbr\u003eWhat a stupid trend.\u003cbr\u003eBring back the blush.\u003cbr\u003eFuck looking unbothered.\u003cbr\u003eI didn't particularly fancy him.\u003cbr\u003eSo I dismissed it.\u003cbr\u003eOr at least I thought I did.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAt around nine o'clock, somewhere between the second glass of wine and F.'s disbelief, I heard myself say something I hadn't realised I believed.\u003cbr\u003eThat I hadn't thought about men in such a long time.\u003cbr\u003eSo long that I didn't even realise it until she brought it up.\u003cbr\u003eThe idea of romance.\u003cbr\u003eThe constant searching.\u003cbr\u003eThe lust.\u003cbr\u003eThe obsession.\u003cbr\u003eIt all felt...\u003cbr\u003efinished.\u003cbr\u003eAll this while he was still pouring.\u003cbr\u003eAnd finding a good reason to light up a conversation from which F. was completely excluded.\u003cbr\u003eShe, very confidently, with all the data she'd gathered from social media, lifted her finger and said—\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\"TOXIC?\"\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI wonder if people actually realise the meaning of that word.\u003cbr\u003eI defended his confidence.\u003cbr\u003eMen play games and pretend they aren't interested.\u003cbr\u003eThis guy didn't care if the whole restaurant noticed that he liked me.\u003cbr\u003eAnd he wouldn't give up.\u003cbr\u003eIn the funniest, least arrogant way possible.\u003cbr\u003eWhy toxic?\u003cbr\u003eThen she called me toxic.\u003cbr\u003eFor defending him.\u003cbr\u003eFunny how girls work.\u003cbr\u003eBy the end of the evening, his persistence had earned him an application to Human Resources.\u003cbr\u003eThree weeks later...\u003cbr\u003eI still haven't rejected it.\u003cbr\u003eWhich brings me to the uncomfortable part.\u003cbr\u003eWhy haven't I accepted it either?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eChecklist:\u003cbr\u003e1. Successful.\u003cbr\u003e2. Well dressed.\u003cbr\u003e3. Cool friends.\u003cbr\u003e5. Hot body.\u003cbr\u003e6. Tall.\u003cbr\u003eWhen did the list with funny, caring, well-mannered, disciplined, consistent...\u003cbr\u003eturn into things I don't even know if I am myself?\u003cbr\u003eWhatever I need the man to be, to love him.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"He's just a bartender at 36,\" F. said.\u003cbr\u003eBut what are you, F., at the age of 45?\u003cbr\u003eA bit snobbish, don't you think?\u003cbr\u003eAnd I'm glad she said it.\u003cbr\u003eBecause the moment she said it was the moment I looked at myself and thought—\u003cbr\u003ethis is not who I want to be.\u003cbr\u003eI've been socially brainwashed.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I'm finally rewinding the bullshit.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen I see a woman on TV being celebrated for standing next to her man when he had nothing, I think—\u003cbr\u003eI would do the same.\u003cbr\u003eBut when it's our turn, the love doesn't seem to come so unconditionally.\u003cbr\u003eAnd God forbid he doesn't arrive as the full, accomplished package.\u003cbr\u003eThen we measure whether he'll be able to support a family and kids...\u003cbr\u003ebefore the first kiss has even happened.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I told him I don't actually want kids.\u003cbr\u003eThen it's another no.\u003cbr\u003eFor a number of things that don't exist outside my head.\u003cbr\u003eThat's for the good guy.\u003cbr\u003eFor the bad guy, I had a number of excuses for why he was a great guy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp style=\"text-align:center\"\u003e—\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDear me.\u003cbr\u003eEight months after another \"Fuck you!\"\u003cbr\u003eIt's black and white with you, isn't it?\u003cbr\u003eEither the toxic one or the impossible love.\u003cbr\u003eBut when it's something everyone says no longer exists—\u003cbr\u003equestions.\u003cbr\u003eQuestions.\u003cbr\u003eTests.\u003cbr\u003eDoubts.\u003cbr\u003eExpectations.\u003cbr\u003eWhy is that?\u003cbr\u003eI never had a normal relationship.\u003cbr\u003eAnd I never chose to have one.\u003cbr\u003eMaybe I wanted my story to be extraordinary enough to make it worth it.\u003cbr\u003eOr maybe it's time to grow up.\u003cbr\u003eAnd once and for all answer the question we all need answered:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eWhy do we reject a good man when we find him?\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Love Letters To Myself","offers":[{"title":"Default","offer_id":58004815184203,"sku":null,"price":1.49,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1064\/4802\/7979\/files\/LLTM_Banner_2_a16a1d87-96d7-44a8-979b-6452f433c1e6.jpg?v=1785562968","url":"https:\/\/loveletterstomyself.co\/products\/letter-032-modern-dating-i-dont-know","provider":"Love Letters To Myself","version":"1.0","type":"link"}