Dear me,
All my life I have seen the end of something
as the end of everything I know.
Yet, I am standing here in front of that big window at gate number 684,
watching the stillness of the sky,
and I have never had more clarity
that this is actually the beginning of everything I want.
—
It was easier to let go of him than I thought —
maybe because I was happy,
but I never understood that while I was in the moment.
Yet, if it was easy to let go of him,
but still painful to remember that time,
maybe it's because I made peace with him —
but didn't with myself,
for who I was when I was with him.
—
I always thought that I needed to fight the dragon to pass through the
gate,
but I never even came close to thinking that I am the dragon.
I had to slay my own head.
—I am still surprised by my choice not to contact him,
and for some reason incredibly proud of myself.
I feel strong.
I love this feeling.
But like every new feeling,
it takes time to sit with you until you get to know each other.
Forgiving him is so much easier than forgiving myself.
I wonder when the clarity of that — and why —
will slap me one day when I least expect it.
—
But this is not what is on my mind now.
For the first time in my life,
I do not want any man.
None.
Somewhere along the way,
in these four months of letters to myself,
the only person I am excited to be with
and to dedicate myself to
is me.
I am turning into the most interesting person in my life.
I am filled up with this new feeling that I don't know how to call.
I don't know how to process it.
Maybe I feel content.
Maybe I finally have a purpose.
—Dear me,
whatever this is,
I have a whole life to spend investing in it.
—
But now I am up in the still sky,
in seat 12A,
having the worst glass of wine of my life,
sitting next to a crying baby,
and my feet are sweating in my rubber boots —
but nothing can erase the fact that I am at the top of the world,
feeling with all my blood that
the ends are the brightest beginnings.