Dear me,
I feel like I am diving into a dangerous game of delusion.
Is it possible to feel desire for a fantasy not connected to any man in
particular,
but directed towards myself?
Is it possible to be turned on by a reflection — my reflection?
—
White.
I have always been your favourite.
I can tell by the way you sit on my olive skin,
by the way you sharpen against my dark hair.
So I chose you tonight.
Because I am planning to be loved.
—
My wet hair was still dripping into the bathroom sink,
while the version of myself I had chosen for this night
was already lying on the bed,
waiting.
—
Precise cat-eye eyeliner in black.
Shadows carved into my cheekbones.
Dark red lipstick — too deliberate to be innocent.
A quiet fight between elegance and seduction.—
My body was glowing.
So were my eyes —
impatient
for the eye contact to begin.
—
I opened a bottle of white.
I didn't want anything else to be red but my lips.
—
I set the light low.
Put on my best shoes —
high,
demanding,
loud against the apartment floor.
—
My white-leg trousers hugged my waist,
while the edge of the bodysuit against my chest
kept reminding me I was wearing it
with every step I took.
—
Toward the mirror.
—Gold on my hands.
On my neck.
Like I was marking something. Or claiming it.
—
A heavyweight contender.
I against I.
—
Yes, the mirror from Thursday was waiting.
We had unfinished business.
And whether this was a beginning or just an experiment,
I was ready
to give myself the best version of me available.
Something I have given only to others.
I sat in front of my mirror,
with my wine glass close
and my playlist like a little devil on my shoulder,
still unsure where this was going,
but highly aware that every minute of it
I felt that she was my final destination.
—
Like I was dissolving into that woman,
into that version of me
I used to imagine
from a distance.
—She was there.
In white and red.
Between angel and not even close to one.
She was
mine.
—
Dear me,
I was falling in love with you.
—
And somewhere between the silence and the music,
I was turned on.