To: HR, Love Department
Subject: Potential Relationship Application
Dear Miss "Now Is Not the Right Time,"
I hope my email finds you hot and vibrant —
the same way I did when I recently met you.
Having survived direct eye contact with you —
which I understand is where most applicants are eliminated —
I would like to formally apply for the position of
"Man Worth Ruining Your Peace For."
As you informed me, the role is technically available,
although there is no specific advertising for it
and you are not necessarily looking to fill it.
I believe I have already passed the initial screening.
You laughed at my jokes twice and rolled your eyes four times —
which, by your metrics, I'm reading as a strong ratio.
I also believe the unspoken chemistry between us —
noted, however, by everyone in the room —
along with the fact that I am a Capricorn,
which you kindly informed me is your worst nightmare,
and the softness in your knees,
are all great signs of the strong candidate I am.
—Allow me to present my qualifications for this century,
since apparently the bar is now underground:
I text back. Same day.
Sometimes — brace yourself — within the hour.
No "hey" at 11pm after three weeks of silence.
No orbiting your stories like a lost satellite.
I text even when you don't.
Because, as already established,
my stubbornness comes with my birth sign.
I am not a "What are we?" man.
I'm also not a "I'm not looking for anything serious
but keep acting like your boyfriend" man —
I understand that species has flooded the market
and dragged the property values down for all of us.
I acknowledge I have been single for a considerable period.
This is not a red flag. It's a hiring strategy.
I don't apply for just any position.
But if someone is going to ruin my life,
it may as well be someone as funny, intense and charming as you.
—
I understand the successful candidate is expected to:
Remain emotionally available even when it's inconvenient.
Survive philosophical conversations after midnight —
and sex after philosophical conversations.
Be a great kisser.
Answer your sarcasm with more devilish sarcasm.
Play along in your flirting game —the push, the pull, the way you want it with dominance.
Trust me. That last one is my field.
I further understand there is a probation period, assessing:
Whether I hold your hand in public places.
How I speak to waiters.
Whether I slow down when walking, because you did.
—
Please find attached the following documents:
✔ Impeccable sense of humour.
✔ Curiosity — the genuine kind, not the interview technique.
✔ 24/7 customer service. Live chat support included.
✔ All-year-round abs — and the triceps. Your favourite.
✔ An extreme sex drive and a very specific talent
for making you forget what you were arguing about.
✔ Hands that know the difference between touching you
and reaching for you.
There is a difference. I intend to demonstrate.
References available — though I'd strongly prefer you didn't call them,
as several are still emotionally recovering.
—
Full disclosure: my ambition runs at a slightly lower altitude than yours.
I won't pretend otherwise — you'd audit me anyway.
But I'm not lacking dreams or desire.
Some men bring empires. I bring showing up.
Every day. Including the days you're impossible —which, per my preliminary research, is often.
And unpredictable.
—
Expected salary:
One loyal woman.
The occasional steak.
The right to steal fries without asking.
The side of the bed closest to the door —
non-negotiable, it's a protective instinct, don't unpack it.
I would also like the right to smack that beautiful butt of yours.
Strength depending on the position.
Kindly also advise whether the role includes pension contributions,
paid annual leave, and performance bonuses.
I ask for a friend.
—
Please note:
I understand I am not applying to become your whole life.
Only someone who could potentially make it bigger.
I am aware other applicants may offer better looks,
more money, more charm.
But if I ever become the safest place in your nervous system —
I'll stay.
—Thank you for considering my application.
Should I be unsuccessful, I completely understand —
the position appears highly competitive.
Though I notice it has been vacant for some time.
Kind regards,
Potential Candidate #417